No, I do not possess some type of humiliation fetish, nor do I subscribe to anything that resembles masochism. Oddly enough, my spare time is not spent chucking wads of cash at leather-clad dominatrixes in Soho as they point and laugh at me, ridiculing my er, well, you know.
Lacking such tendencies does then beg the question: why would anyone choose to group themselves with the likes of the Young Conservatives?
It’s a very fair point to raise, considering that the Young Conservatives were once a revered political force. In the 1950s, the grouping had more than 150,000 members and an official magazine to its name. Its peak membership sat at an astoundingly high 250,000, and included the likes of Nick Robinson, Eric Pickles and even Richard Fuller. It was an outfit which brought real energy to the party.
And it struck a balance, too. Alongside such rigorous political activity came a whole host of social events. For decades, it was a “middle-class marriage bureau where barely a branch report went by without some nuptial notice.” An archaic iteration of Tinder for Tories, where one’s standout feature was not their height, but whether they backed Heath or Maudling for the leadership.
Of course, the outfit still possessed its fair share of troubles. Factionalism between the wets and dries gripped the party well into the late 90s, and drunken mishaps were common. When William Hague became leader, he sought to resolve such concerns – reforming the body into the new and improved Conservative Future.
For a short while this rebrand worked. But one can only trust a bunch of intoxicated youngsters for so long – a few too many G&Ts and Erika starts blasting. Repeated controversies engulfed the organisation to such an extent that the executive branch was suspended in 2015 and folded into the mainstream party, ceding its independence.
And so, after decades of rehashes and repeated bouts of drunken misbehaviour, the Young Conservatives arrived at their present predicament.
It makes one shed a tear. The organisation that once served as a training ground for Tory heavyweights went under the knife, and has since emerged as little more than a hangout forum for TikTok twinks to show off their Union Flag socks and boast about a poorly-attended disco.
Members now spend their time donning ill-fitting tweed jackets and lapping down warm white wine at SW1 think tank events, talking up the joys of private markets and enterprise. Meanwhile, their minglings with the fairer sex are restricted to discussing their adoration for a lady that died of a stroke in the Ritz more than a decade ago. A poor showing indeed.
But amidst this seemingly vengeful takedown of the right-wing youth, there is a rather awkward flaw: I am describing myself.
I am, after all, a young conservative.
And that is perhaps why I find this whole debacle so embarrassing. I am both young, and a conservative – but the two have been amalgamated into a distasteful political subculture which bears little resemblance to either. Regrettably, I am now a part of it.
For you see, the problem is not being a young conservative. The problem is being a Young Conservative.
The Young Conservatives of the modern day have gone awry – now serving as an outfit which performs conservatism, as opposed to one that practices it. Today’s Young Conservatives have put on the costume of days gone by, with no understanding of its political significance, or of the weight the organisation once carried.
They boast of their supposed importance, but their only contribution to political debate is to carry around a tokenistic copy of The Telegraph and spew a handful of political buzzwords. That’s it. And yet, in the same breath, they are left wondering why the rest of society criticises their lack of substance and performative nature.
And at a time when the party so urgently needs fresh faces, it’s an unaffordable misstep. Labour and the Greens have already seized the initiative, bolstering their online presence and speaking directly to young people who feel as though things just really aren’t that good for them. Reform have expanded into the online right-of-centre, strengthening their social media output and bringing the youth on side. We, meanwhile, are left wondering why our numbers are dwindling. It’s evidently not an issue with conservatism itself. It’s an issue with how the ideology is being packaged and sold to young Brits.
There is a marketplace here which is ripe for the picking. Young people are not tone deaf, political cynics who couldn’t give two hoots if the world goes up in flames. They are people who are eager to find some type of political home, and whilst all the other parties have opened their doors, put the oven on and set the table, the Conservatives have slammed the door shut, closed the curtains and bunkered down as if a gaggle of Jehovah’s witnesses had just come knocking.
The Young Conservatives need to sell conservatism as an ideology that is legitimately interesting. People need to look at the youth wing of the party and see it not just as something influential, but as something worth joining. This starts, in part, through the party restoring some of its independence. Innovation and flair will be stifled if the outfit continues to be suffocated by layers of bureaucracy, endlessly piled on by Central Office. Give it some autonomy and give them a chance.
At the moment, when I tell people that I am a young conservative, I do so as a hint of rouge appears on my cheeks. I mumble my words, hoping that they will think I am some right-wing nutcase who isn’t worth their time. It doesn’t bring me joy, but it feels necessary in our current climate.
But I shall maintain my support for the Young Conservatives, no matter how cringe-inducing they may be, because I still believe that they could, once again, become the political force they once were. I mock them because I want them to succeed. Galatians 6:9.
I long for a time when the movement recovers not just some of its importance, but its swagger too. Wherein being a young conservative could actually be seen as kind of cool. Maybe the next chair of the Young Conservatives will kickstart that revival.
I highly doubt it, given that the individual best placed to do so has withdrawn from the contest, but a man can dream.