So I took myself off to Lords with Crispin Blunt, Lord Haselhurst, and Tracey Crouch for some serious cricket.
There are all these ghastly photos of them hugging passers by and avoiding difficult questions.
Plus: Boris’s multiple problems. The Chancellor’s dodgy figures. Euro referendum recriminations everywhere. And: SNP MPs in white Y-front shreddies.
Plus: The Parliamentary Awayday. Matt Hancock is bitten by a police alsatian – but as Fabricant observed, the dog should live!
Plus: Soames bottle-feeds the Crouch childlet. Gove’s lesé majeste. And: It’s Ken Clarke’s memoirs – Fifty Shades of Blue.
Therese Coffey carried out young Gavin Williamson, the PM’s ADC, who was tired and emotional, in a fireman’s lift. He hasn’t been seen since.
Plus: Boris wrecks the Black and White Ball. Colonel Simpson meets the Romanovs. Soames contra mundum. And: swimming lessons with Penny Mordaunt.
And I’m having none of that nonsense about Dry January.
Plus: Boris’s party is raided by the Vice and Drugs Squads. The Home Secretary says it was “a police operational decision”
Plus: Soames makes his way towards a gender-neutral loo. Lunch with Tyrie, lunch with Kirby. The Shipley Strangler strikes again. And: George Simpson saves the day.
Plus: Tracey Crouch gets a women’s rugby team to bar the Chancellor. And: a new Tory One-Night-Stand dating app called Blue on Blue…
Plus: Soames’s “serious environmental work” (i.e: shooting). Brothers Cash and Jenkin lose the plot. The agony of Kevan Jones. And: I am shaken by a Psychedelic Orgasm.
Of course, many of the sacked ministers – Fallon, Mitchell, Shapps and a dozen others are hoping for preferment under a Boris administration.