When I parted ways with my ex, I was convinced that I would never love again – having been consumed by unbearable grief and sorrow. “But Ollie,” my friends would say to me, “you’re only 21, you’ll find love again someday.” I remained unconvinced, endlessly harping on about days gone by.
But in recent days, a new figure has caught my eye. We haven’t gone on a date, nor have we actually spoken – except during a Q&A session a few months ago – but I’m convinced that this is the real thing nonetheless. He’s handsome, though far shorter than I would ideally like; independently wealthy; somewhat politically influential and hell-bent on destroying the very party I oppose.
The target of my adoration? A certain Mr Muhammad Ziauddin Yusuf – more commonly known as Zia Yusuf. Have I just inadvertently come out?
Mr Yusuf has become what can only be described as a liability for the team over in Millbank. Every time the wannabe Home Secretary opens his mouth, embarrassment and shame quickly follow. Every time he presses “send” on a social media post, controversy shows its head.
It’s been a common problem for Yusuf. In late 2025, he was lambasted for his clash with a BBC Question Time audience member, claiming that the man in question had not “paid attention to what we [Reform] were announcing.” Since then, skirmishes have become an almost daily occurrence for Reform’s Home Affairs spokesperson, endlessly battling with keyboard warriors on X, taking shots at anyone who dares question the word of his party and leader.
But despite being a persistent issue, he never went too far. That was until last week, when he labelled Ben Wallace – a man who served both in the armed forces and as Defence Secretary – a “traitor.” A bold statement, considering that the closest Yusuf has come to putting on a uniform and being deployed was when he slipped on a Patagonia-branded gilet and made his way over to Canary Wharf.
When pressed on the issue, Farage said that he would give Yusuf a “ticking off”, but would not instruct him to delete the social media post. It appeared as though the boss was reining in his insubordinate employee, instructing him that he had gone too far. But days later, Yusuf found his next target – the telecommunications giant Vodafone, accusing them of having helped to “facilitate the invasion of Britain” through the provision of free SIM cards. Farage’s message evidently didn’t land. That, or Yusuf decided to ignore it anyhow.
A Rottweiler such as Yusuf proves politically useful insofar as the owner keeps them on a tight leash. A scathing critique here and a few crass statements there can be beneficial. Too many, however, and the party brand begins to look toxic.
Yusuf, it would appear, has crossed into that territory. Just yesterday, a source told The Mail that Farage has reportedly “fallen out of love” with the Home Affairs spokesperson, owing to his increasingly erratic and ill-mannered tendencies which is souring the party’s reputation amongst possible swing voters. You see, for all the anger and frenzy Yusuf helps to whip up, he is simultaneously strengthening the so-called ‘anti-Reform bloc.’ The voters who will vote for anyone other than Reform.
It’s a fairly well documented phenomenon, but one that is best illustrated through last week’s contest in Clacton. Close to 10,000 voters would sooner vote for a man who parades around with a bin on his head than Nigel Farage and his party. If that is the level of disdain voters hold towards Reform in one of its supposedly safe seats, one can only imagine what happens when voters elsewhere in the country are presented with a candidate who is a serious alternative.
Reform may well lead a handful of election polls on just shy of 30 per cent of the vote, but that means 70 per cent of the electorate don’t want them. And they will vote for anyone to stop Farage.
One cannot lead a political party into an election with such a weak base of support. Farage needs to reach across the aisle, bring people onside and convince them that Reform really isn’t all that bad – but Yusuf’s stunts make such an endeavour politically impossible.
Yet despite such glaring issues, he basks in the controversy. Just yesterday, he was boasting about how a Tory MP ruled out a partnership so long as Yusuf remained central to Reform’s operation – throwing in all manner of ‘thank yous’ and exclamation marks. The man appears to be addicted to the squabbling – constantly chasing battles like some type of high, ignorant of the fact that he is sinking his party’s political fortunes.
The more he talks, the more others are unwilling to work with him. One MP I spoke to went so far as to label him a “c***” whilst another said that “he’s the mid career investment banker – full of himself but no self awareness to realise no one wants him on their deal.” It’s no way to be viewed by your political opponents. One may have disagreements with those on the other team, but to be loathed is abnormal, and speaks volumes about Yusuf’s character.
And that is exactly why I swoon over him so endearingly. Because so long as he sticks around, Reform has a very troubling predicament on their hands. They must constantly balance being a viable alternative for people who harbour doubts over the main parties, whilst also allowing corrosive figures like Yusuf to take to the stage.
I, meanwhile, have precisely the opposite problem. For as long as Mr Yusuf remains at the heart of Reform, I shall remain hopelessly, helplessly in love. Let him carry on riling people up – for as long as he continues, Reform slips ever-further away from forming a government.
Please, Nigel – don’t sack him.